THE POST I HAVE BEEN AVOIDING

Anyone who was a teen during the 80’s will relate to this picture. Hair courtesy of Aqua Net. I have no excuse for the bolero tie. Thanks to my sister for okaying me posting it.

We had a pool growing up and I unleashed many bottles of Sun-In onto my hair. Why do blondes always want to be blonder? In the years since I have had dozens of perms, highlights, and hair color procedures. Hair clips, barrettes, ponytails. Point being, as a female, my hair has been an integral part of who I am.

In October of 2021 I went to the dermatologist with some scalp issues. I had been before, diagnosed with seborrheic dermatitis. Itchy scalp that I treated with a topical. Just one of those things that you develop as you get older. My new symptom was a redness that framed my forehead just inside the hairline. Didn’t really hurt or even itch, just looked angry. It took a couple visits but they ended up taking a small biopsy of the infected area and sent it in. It came back with the diagnosis of LPP. That stands for Lichen Plano Pilaris, which is an autoimmune disease, because why have just one when you can have two! My body was now attacking my hair follicles.

The treatment for this included more of the topical I was already using plus also injecting it directly into the affected area of my scalp and adding in doxycycline, which is a tetracycline antibiotic. Yay, more drugs for me to take. It was suggested that the infusion medicine I got every three weeks might keep my LPP in check. And after finding an LPP Facebook group, of course, I discovered I did have it pretty lucky. My scalp did not itch, it was not painful, and it was limited to pretty much just the frontal area. A lot of people affected with it also lost hair. Lots of hair.

I mentioned previously that I did end up getting Covid. It was in July of last year. Inconveniently enough I tested positive the day before we were supposed to fly to Europe. That was a nightmare. I briefly mention it here because I don’t know if it is the reason I experienced what I experienced next, or if it was inevitable on it’s own.

In August of 2022 I started to notice it. A lot more hair in the shower drain and in my comb. After a few weeks I could see more scalp behind my ear. It was only on one side of my head and easily camouflaged by other hair. But it got worse. My hair has always been fine and thin. How do you think I got it all teased so high? So, hair loss of this magnitude was starting to become more noticeable. Maybe not by someone just passing me on the street, but I sure noticed. I mentioned something to my sister about it. She had seen me recently and said she didn’t notice anything.  I sent her some pictures. When I get out of the shower, it is very noticeable.  And to be honest, it has gotten worse since these pictures.

I have never really worn my hair short. Not since my Dorothy Hamill haircut days as a child. I love a good ponytail. But when my hair loss became more prominent, it was necessary to cut it. Simply walking down the hall in my house made it fly up around my head like some witch in a cartoon. I was hoping cutting it shorter would help. I hate it.

It was becoming harder and harder to style my hair in a way to cover my, quite frankly, bald spots. They were above my ears and now on top and towards the back of my head. It prompted me to make some purchases. Wide headbands, which only made me look Amish. Also, a hair topper. I named her Delilah.  It is like a baby step before a full-on wig.

My hairdresser warned my clipping it to my existing hair would make it fall out faster and not to wear it everyday. I then purchased a headband especially made for a hair topper to attach to, thereby avoiding any clipping to your actual hair.

As bad as my hair looks, I have avoided wearing it. I have told myself it is still doable to keep things under control with just careful styling and a can of hair spray. It is hidden. Unless you are taller than me. Or standing behind me when I am sitting. Or the hair spray fails. I have avoided checking the back of my head at the end of the day to see if it is all still in the place I put it. I probably don’t want to know.

Part of my reluctance to wear the hair topper is that once I do, there is no more avoidance of the matter. It is not anything I have ever brought up at work. What am I gonna say the first day I show up with it on? It’s part of the reason I knew it was time to do this particular post. I promised when I started this blog to be real and honest. And if I were being real and honest, I would say that this all sucks. It is even worse than having CIDP, which is ridiculous, but since I can’t be bald and beautiful like Jada Pinkett-Smith, I am stuck feeling embarrassed and unattractive. Like I said before, hair is a big part of who a woman is. Call it vanity. I miss my ponytail. I miss messy buns. I miss my pretty, getting darker as I age, hair.

I am trying collagen. My sister has purchased some shampoo that might help. Will it ever grow back? If it is Covid hair loss, possibly. If it is LPP hair loss the odds are lower. I tried minoxidil foam for awhile but gave up, any hair gained through that would fall out again if I ever stopped using it. Some of the FB group people swear red light therapy helps. I have looked at the helmets on Amazon. They can be pretty pricey. At some point, if the hair loss continues, I may need an actual wig. It might sound fun to have a couple wigs, have a different look whenever you want! It mostly just makes me want to cry. 

I try to tell myself I am not defined by how I look. It really is true, but in today’s society, where every photo is retouched, where every one only posts the beautiful things, I feel like I am lacking. That I am less than. But I am not alone. There are many situations and health conditions that cause hair loss. I wish it was more recognized, more accepted. For now, I hold close to me the love and acceptance of my family and friends that wouldn’t care if I was totally bald or sprouted a third hand. My hair does not define me. My hair does not define me.